The Trial of Living in Time

Mortality is an interesting thing.

When I am having a hard time, going through something difficult, the thing itself usually isn't so bad. Work is tedious, agents reject me, rent is due, but I think in general we have it pretty good. The hardest part for me is the thought that my time is being used up on something so annoying or frustrating or difficult when I know what I would rather spend my time doing, and it is not that. On bad days (nights) the thought can almost make me panic, like I only have so many days and I'm feeling them being used up doing something I don't want to do. Like days are a stack of cards and seeing any of them stacked in the Bad Day pile seems like a drain and a waste.

Except I think that thinking is flawed. It is my gut reaction, and that's not going to go away soon, but I can at least try and change the thinking process in my head.

Days are not cards. Life is not an hourglass or a drip of water into a bucket. Existence is eternal, and I believe that. I don't need to panic that I am using up days away from my best friends (which I often do) because in a sense I will ALWAYS be with them. In fact, understanding for a tiny glimpse of time what it feels like to not have them presents the contrast to more fully appreciate it when I do, although to be honest the thought isn't terribly comforting on the bad days. But it will be, in the future.

While I think it is definitely possible to waste time, and that we should be doing our best with the time we have, getting into a panic about it is definitely one of the pointless/wasteful things to do. I think many times it comes down to attitude, and one thing we have to do with our time can be paralyzingly awful or manageably annoying or even surprisingly pleasant depending on how we approach it.

Time is hard. One of the hardest things in this life, I think. But its up to us to do something with it.