Monday, October 23, 2017

What The Antarctica Hole REALLY Is


So there’s a hole in Antarctica and nobody is sure why.

Well, not nobody.

I know.

A few scientists are pretty sure it has something to do with climate change, though they’re not quite sure what. In one interview, Well-Respected Scientist A said, “We’re pretty sure it has something to do with climate change, though we’re not quite sure what.” She also added, “Climate change is not a linear process,” which to me just sounds like excuses for not knowing what the icy heck is going on.

Then of course there are the conspiracy theorists who think it’s cthulhu, and this guy who thinks the hole is caused by, well…

But lucky for you, I’m here to set things straight.

The planet is a living, breathing organism. We all know this. The planet inhales carbon dioxide and breathes out oxygen. Sometimes living organisms ingest things that make them sick, which is when we get projectile vomit situations like Vesuvius and Pompeii. And then, after decades, centuries, and even millennia of digestion, sometimes a planet’s gotta poop.

Am I suggesting that the Antarctic hole is a giant sphincter, you ask? Well how else does an organism purge itself of all the filth we’re putting into it? Without cleansing itself we’re at risk of our planet getting a bad case of the hurricanes, if you get my drift. And we wouldn’t want that pockmarking the face of our beautiful home.

But the thing is, if this truly is a glacial opening of a planetary orifice, then the really important question isn’t what the Antarctic hole is, but what does Earth poop look like anyway?

Let me answer that by asking you a question.

What do gropers and blobfish have in common?


Just saying.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Nevuh Nev-Ah-Duh



When I lived in Nevada, it became pretty clear pretty fast that these are not judgemental people. They're more...leave me alone while I pull this lever people. Get out of my way on the belt loop because I'm not slowing down people. Smokes and cocktails in a whatever the blazes I feel like wearing people.

In other words, if you let them do them, they're happy to let you do you. They don't care.

Except for one thing.

Truly though, if you go to Nevada, you can get away with a lot. You can spend your entire savings on the slots and nobody will bat an eye. You can weigh 450 pounds and wear next to nothing to the theater and its just another night on the Strip. Heck, Nevada is a state where it's actually legal to vote Republican or Democrat or *gasp* even both. But there is one thing you can not, ever, EVER do in Nevada.

You can not say Nev-AHH-Duh.

It's Nev-EA-Duh, with the same bright A as Kansas and California. To a Nevadan, saying Nev-Ahh-Duh is like going to L.A. and saying CAUL-i-fornia, the same way you'd say cauliflower. (Which, in case you've forgotten in our drive-through culture, is a special type of cheese platter.) And, in a state with open-carry permits, this is not a mistake you want to make.

This is how that conversation usually goes:
Tourist: This place is great! How long have you lived in Nev-Ahh-Duh.
Nevadan: You're from the East coast aren't you.
Tourist: Yeah! How could you tell? We're from Boston and this is our first time acknowledging the existence of anything between the Mississippi River and Hollywood.
Nevadan: Here, come with me. There's something special I wanna show you in the basement of CircusCircus...

I'm not even kidding. Trumps mispronunciation when he visited Las Vegas is 99.9% of the reason he lost the state in the general election. (The list of top political issues Nevadans care about is 1. Correct pronunciation, 2. Illegal immigration, and 3. Free Public Parking.)

Just something to think about next time you're stopping through Vegas. Now excuse me, I have to go pack for my trip to New Yark.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...