Monday, April 23, 2012
T is for timing and taking yourself seriously
I'm not complaining. Even the people who I think are moving forward quickly have problems, and I wouldn't want what they have anyway. I have different goals, that takes a different kind of work and timing. The point is that everyone has their own timing, whatever their goals are, and trying to compare one life and it's timing to another is just ridiculous.
So I'm not going to lie and say that my little sister going on a mission and my other little sister getting married in the next little while doesn't have anything to do with feeling like I'm somehow comparatively behind. I know I just said comparing is ridiculous, and I know that in my head, but it's still hard not to do it sometimes, isn't it? And like I said, I don't want to go on a mission or marry the guy my sister is marrying (even though he's great), so it doesn't matter. I want different things, I am working for them, and they will come. I absolutely believe that, it's just hard to remember sometimes.
Even without the comparison thing, the other uncomfortable thing is trying to BE a writer without having a book out. BEING a writer is my Goal, the thing I'm working towards that will come eventually, and this is just a phase we all have to go through. But it's still kind of awkward trying to balance the desire to work towards and do as much as possible to create a writing career as soon as possible, and the discomfort of feeling like you're trying to push yourself onto people without anything really to push. It's all about creating friendships and relationships anyway, and everyone has their own story and things to say, but somehow I don't feel quite validated yet. I find myself wondering why people read this blog anyway when I'm just another wannabe not-yet-published writer.
The thing is, nobody is "just another." We're all unique. Everyone has their own story and things to say, we just have to let that show. I don't know if I can truly get rid of this not-yet-validated feeling short of getting published, but the key is to not let it stop me in any way. I have a very bad habit of talking down my writing and myself, because I'm scared of people thinking I'm some lame untalented wannabe, thinking something like, "Ok Sarah, you have fun living in your cardboard box with twenty cats writing terrible novels." But I have to have confidence in myself regardless of the mean voices in my head. If I take myself seriously, I will be taken seriously. Every dog has their day.
My life is pretty darn awesome, and I hope this isn't too ridiculously me whining about myself type of thing. I'm only trying to be honest here, and using myself as an example because I know for certain I'm not the only one who sometimes feels this way. That in fact a lot of people/everyone feels this way at some point. We feel like we're not quite grown into our superhero costume yet, we're scared of people laughing at us because maybe our muscles aren't fully grown. But they will be one day and the work will be worth it. That's all I'm trying to say here, for anyone who feels the same way. Because like C.S. Lewis said, "We read to know we're not alone."