Monday, February 11, 2013
Pete Docter, SNL and What I Mean by Happy
I watched a documentary about Pixar this morning. It was a bit outdated (Steve Jobs was still around and they'd just finished Cars) and I did wish they'd talked about Up. But I didn't realize until now that Pete Docter is the one at least mostly responsible for both Monsters, Inc. and Up! which means THE BEST OF THEM ALL. He is officially my favorite and I want to marry him. Apparently he (with Pixar) has a new one coming out in 2015 and I am already freaking out. I want to write stories like he makes movies. I want to create characters like he created Sully and Carl and Dug. I would beyond happily make my living cleaning Pixar's toilets.
Also a documentary about Saturday Night Live in the 80's. (Ok, ok, so I love entertainment documentaries.) I'm going to say this and I hope it doesn't sound too...whatever. Am I allowed to have something like "Host an episode of SNL" on my bucket list? Because I kinda sorta do. Maybe that is completely horrifically ridiculous, but nevertheless. I want to write books and get a name big enough to maybe write movies and maybe tv shows and host an episode of SNL. Can I be crazy and want that and even hope for it? I also have this genius beyond genius idea for the producers of that show. They should totally start using YouTube stars as occasional hosts. Imagine. John and Hank Green hosting Saturday Night Live. Ok maybe it wouldn't work, and it would definitely be different, but mostly: YES OMG YES.
Sometimes I feel bad for being happy. Is that weird? I feel bad because I can see how I sometimes am not giving my sadder friends what they need, but I don't know how. I can do optimism and encouragement and hope and future-planning, but I get the impression that in the context of what my friends are sometimes feeling or going through, those things are not even in the vocabulary, like, they are completely irrelevant. But then I think, do you not see how these things would make your life better? And then its like, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, thank you for caring, but it is not about these things making my life better it is about how I am built inside and how the world is and how I am able to function within it and then I'm like BUT BE HAPPY. I've felt this way for a long time, with many people. I firmly believe that we were made and placed on this world to be happy. Maybe that is too simple for many people's life experience? Still, though. I don't believe it should be.
Then again, I sometimes think I give the very false impression that everything is peachy hunky dory and that I've never experienced depression and can't handle darkness and hurt. My dad works for Gallup on this Strengths Finder Test (incredible, the best I've ever taken and I'm not just saying that, and I'll definitely be talking more about it at some point.) This test gives you your top five strengths out of a list of 32 (I think?). Anyway, Positivity is my number 5. So I do think my natural reaction, when anxiety and fear and sadness and dark and hurt come, is to attack them with a ferocious smile and grit and beat until I've found a solution or the dark goes away. I have had plenty of times when this does not work. In the past couple years, particularly. For most of my life I think this has not actually been a very hard fight. Happiness is natural to me and I find it pretty easily. That is true. But these past couple years I have experienced what its like to struggle to even want to be happy and then I panic about not being happy which only makes it spiral. I freak out about happiness being a real fight, feel like it should not be, we should all just BE HAPPY. Which is of course ridiculous and unrealistic and frankly, unnatural. Happiness, often, is a fight. A bloody painful one. But that's okay. I think maybe my natural positivity doesn't mean that I struggle less than other people, but that I believe in the Ultimate Happy Ending outcome of that fight, that it is worth it, that this struggle for and eventual achievement of Joy is our natural state. This fight isn't over until we get there, and we WILL get there.
Hmmm, guess I needed to get a little philosophical on y'all today. Rambly philosophy isn't the easiest to get through, so thank you if you've actually read this.
I hope you are all Happy with a Capital H.