***
George Shepherd is grizzly keeper at the local zoo, and,
what’s much more difficult, guardian of his sixteen year old niece. After seven
years he believes he’s finally balanced the muddy claws, menstrual cycles and a
past mistake he doesn’t ever expect to escape.
Then a little boy shows up with the news that on Cindy’s
seventeenth birthday, she will be taken as a princess by the prince of another
world. This is easily dismissed. He pats the boy on the head and takes him
home, hoping Cindy didn’t hear anything.
At worst a sick prank, he thinks. Until things start turning
up that can only be construed as evidence: symbols, letters, dreams, an
impossible painting. With the help of Cindy’s former teacher, he knows he must
do whatever it takes to make sure Cindy is not in danger, even when it means
directly confronting the past he’s tried so hard to bury. All before the least
momentous birthday he hopes Cindy will ever have.
Part mystery, part romance, with a dose of magical realism
and mid-life crisis, the true heart of this story is the exploration of what
keeps us going when we lose it all, and the fine line between holding on for
dear life and just letting go.
Sarah Allen
6 comments:
Hi Sarah. I like the opening paragraph, but I'm thrown off when you get to this part...
"Then a little boy shows up with the news that on Cindy’s seventeenth birthday, she will be taken as a princess by the prince of another world."
It seems more paranormal now, and I didn't get that from your hook line. I'd suggest trying to incorporate more of that paranormal/fantasy feeling into the opening lines so an agent knows what type of story they're getting into.
Good luck!
Hi Sarah! I agree with Tina. I was thrown off by the juxtaposition of the first two paragraphs. What genre is this? Maybe romance thriller? The end part doesn't really describe what it is and leaves me a little confused. Where would it be put on a book shelf in a store? And if it is paranormal, I would include those parts in the query. Or whatever the heart of the genre is, I would include more of that.
I really liked the last line "the true heart of this story is the exploration of what keeps us going when we lose it all, and the fine line between holding on for dear life and just letting go." It makes it really compelling to me.
I agree with the first two commenters, in that I wasn't sure what the genre was until about the second paragraph, then got confused again with the third.
I agree with Tina, too. that one part throws me off.
and with Steph--that last line is pretty powerful.
I'm wondering what part of the query this is...because an agent or an editor wants to know what happens. What is the climax and the end and everything. They're not going to read your whole story just from a nice hook...well, maybe some might, but that's not what I tend to hear.
Anyway, I wanted to stop by and say that I came up with a title for my book!!!!!
Also, I'm working on writing a synopsis for my book. I have to have one by saturday, so I'm blogging a little bit about my experiments as well.
http://tademings.blogspot.com/2012/01/title-for-my-book.html
Hi Sarah. Interesting story - a zoo keeper will always grab my attention!
A few points which may need to be tightened-
1. I was confused about including menstrual cycles as a responsibility of his. Whose cycle? At sixteen, surely Cindy can manage her own, and if its referring to the bears' breeding cycle, I think they use another term for it. The bears' cycle is probably irrelevant to the story. If you're referring to the ups-and-downs of parenting a volatile adolescent, there might be other things illustrate this (arguements over curfews, exam stress and so on). As a woman, I hate it when a man assumes that my emotions are controlled by my menstrual cycle. I feel dismissed and condescended to.
2. You might be able to tighten para 2 a little, such as "he dismisses a distraught boy who approaches him with news that when she turns sixteen, Cindy will be taken as a princess by a prince from another world." And leave it at that, we dont need to know the child's head was patted, and can guess that as a zoo keeper, he gets approached by odd members of the public on a daily basis.
3. The "sick prank" part can go - it's hardly a prank, just a comment from somebody who seems to have a loose grasp on reality. The interesting part starts next, and this is the part that needs to be fleshed out, because the symbols, letters, dreams and so on appear to pose a threat, but we dont know how or why these might place Cindy in danager. You might need to join some dots for the reader here.
4. The "past he's tried to bury" sounds like a tease, but it isn't enough. Unless you can succinctly explain how this links back to the symbols and paintings and risk to Cindy, then the query feels like it has too many loose threads.
5. Drop the part about the birthday, it makes whatever the threat is seem even less compelling.
6. The final point relates to the characters. George is your MC,(which rules it out as a YA story, then) - but Cindy comes across as awfully passive. George is trying to protect her, but is he being condescending by not involving her in the conflict? If she does become inovlved, the query may benefit from hearing about what she does to take her fate into her own hands.
Queries are a lot of hard work, and good luck with yours. There are a few useful sites which citique queries, ya know.
Is this adult fiction? Because the premise seems solidly YA.
Post a Comment