But there's something I need to get off my chest. (Pun intended).
I'm not trying to complain, either. I think we've made remarkable strides in woman's rights, though I do think the term "women's rights" is a bit silly because we're all just people. But anyway, I've just noticed some things lately and I think I've noticed partly because of my sister.
My younger sister, just to clarify. She's a little over three years younger than me. And she's dating a guy very seriously, as in everything but officially engaged. They even have a tentative date, and he's been coming on family trips with us over the holidays. He's a great guy, she has been so cute about it, that's all fine and good.
It's the change in how she is being treated. Not big things, just a slight shift in attitude. Like she's really a grown up now, even though she's younger than me. My parents have been particularly good at treating us all the same, but its just a general attitude, ya know?
Is this a Utah thing? Or does it happen outside the bubble as well? I adore Utah, and I don't think its purposeful or even consciously done in many cases, but there's still this kind of weird thing that women are taken seriously based on their husbands. The exceptions are the women who have done something major with their careers, but even then its weird. Yeah, maybe it is a Utah thing.
I'm really not trying to complain, and I'm secure enough in my own life and ambition that it doesn't really get to me too much. I'm just noticing. It's just a bit irksome that being a young unmarried woman puts me in the "how cute" category, when I would be taken more seriously or given different opportunities if I were married, even though I'd be the exact same person. Maybe not exact same, but you get the point.
Does that make sense? My thoughts aren't really even clear in my own head, it's all very much on the level of vague general impressions. And most of them are probably me just being defensive anyway, but I thought I'd just spiel and see what you think.
So...what do you think?
Sarah Allen
17 comments:
I think you may be on to something. People may have the false belief that marriage equals maturity, therefore the unmarried are still fairly immature, or the married are suddenly more mature. But I think we all know what complete crap that is...
As a single woman, I completely get what you're talking about, and it's not just Utah either. People define people in relationships differently than those that are single. It's almost as if there is something wrong with being single. *rolls eyes* It's so annoying.
If anything, I think being in a relationship makes you mature in different ways. Not necessarily more mature. As a single person, you're only responsible (really responsible) for yourself and your own actions. When you're in a relationship, a real, 'adult' relationship, you're beholden to the other person as well. You look at decisions differently because they no longer affect just you. In order to make the relationship successful you have to be able to think about the other person's feelings, ambitions, desires and how they compare and contrast with your own.
I think it's probably similar to when people have children. You can still be immature in certain ways but in other ways you are forced to be more mature - it's just part of the game and people know that from their own experiences. Does that make sense?
But it does suck that people may think about you differently based on your single status :(. I’ve never noticed being treated differently being single vs. attached. But I do notice men do still treat women differently, especially in the workplace, than they treat men. That more than anything is what bothers me. I’ve been in a ‘corporate’ job for 5+ years now and it just baffles me. Maybe because I’m in the financial industry, which is still largely composed of men.
I know at some points I envy those who are still single and the simplicity to make decisions on a whim without concern for how they will affect anyone else or how they may be taken. I think that takes more maturity, to be able to do that on your own. Sometimes having someone else can be a crutch as well.
I completely get where you are coming from here. My sister is seen as grown up and mature, despite her behaviors, because she is in a long-term relationship. Meanwhile, I was treated - not on purpose, mind you - as if I was an immature child, until I started dating my current boyfriend. Nothing has changed, I am still the same person, and yet people seem to think that when you're in a serious relationship, you are more mature or grown up. It is baffling to me that in today's society, a woman is still not viewed as a mature, successful woman, until there is a man in the picture. How completely horrifying.
the-creationofbeauty.blogspot.com
I am a married women, so I might be a little bias, but I don't see it. I am 33 and my non-married (never married) bff is 30... I think she is very mature. In fact I envy her sometimes - no kids, no husband - not that I would give that up anything. She has been in and out of relationships so many times that when she does have a man I can't think of her as any more mature, or less mature, for that matter, than myself. It could be the situation and environment all together. Maybe women just carry themselves differently when they have a man than when they are single and it comes off as maturity when its actually pride. Idk, its just my opinion.
I seconded the brilliant ladies above. There's definitely a stigma against single women (and not the same against single men). It's this type of inequality (among many) that are exactly why I am a feminist (make-up wearing, high heel owning, boyfriend-having, etc, etc).
Just like single women get the short end of the stick, so do my fellow feminists. Yes, we are all people, but unfortunately there's some serious inequality still going on. Feminism is about equality. That's it. Not women are better then men or vice versa. Just equality. And I'm totally for it because feminism benefits both men and women, in my humble opinion.
There's also a super awesome book called "Bachelor Girl" about the history of single women in the US. Definitely recommended.
I don't think it's just a Utah thing (though the following took place at BYU, so it might not be the best illustration ;) .
I took a Spanish class one summer, and out of about 20 people, there were two girls. I was the only person in the class, male or female, who was married. I was younger than the other girl in the class and about a year older than most of the guys.
When our professor used formal address (somewhat facetiously), I had to correct him, because I was not "señorita" but "señora." I felt like that changed the rest of the class's perception of me—and not because I was ruled out as a potential date.
(Although that is a strong psychological pull, too. You're "safe" around someone in a relationship because there's no pressure to impress/repel/figure out your status with them. Maybe that's just me?)
I think it does happen to men, too, to some extent. Young single men tend to have a generally more "irresponsible" image, but the willingness to undertake providing for a family—even if there aren't really any immediate plans to do so—makes the "feckless" look a lot more respectable.
Speaking as someone who was perpetually single for almost all of my young adult and adult life and is now engaged, I will say that I think there is a difference in how I am treated. I do not believe that it is because a man is in the picture with me and therefore I am now worthy of respect. I think there is a sense that if we are confident and healthy in our relationships that we are confident in ourselves (as a side note, I 100% believe a person can be confident in his or herself without being in a relationship and I'm not suggesting otherwise) I think there is something to that perceived confidence that commands respect from others.
Great, thought provoking post Sarah!
I am old enough to remember the whole 'women's lib' movevment..I remember a very popular riddle of the time (early '70's), that went like this: A father and son get into a car accident and are taken to the hospital. The father is pronounced dead, the son needs emergency surgery...the surgeon looks at the boy and says, "I can't operate on this boy, he's my son." Who is the surgeon, to the boy? The answer of course is that the surgeon is the boy's mother. At the time this riddle was making the rounds it never occurred to most people that a woman,(and a MOTHER to boot!), could be a surgeon...People came up with answers like, the surgeon is the boy's stepfather, or it's a close male friend of the family...maybe the guy that was killed was the stepfather and the surgeon is the real father...nobody would guess that a mother could be a doctor.
The times certainly have changed! If it was not for the feminist movement and all those women who did burn their bras and refuse to wear makeup we would not be as equal as we are now. As in all things, it's the pioneers that change things so much that future generations assume that things have always been as they are now..I remember in high school being refused admittance to a wordworking class because I'm a girl...as far as women in relationships being considered more mature than single woman, I think you're talking about younger people..my personal advice to young people(male or female)is to wait until you know yourself really well, until you feel complete as a person on your own before you invite someone else to share your life..that, in my opinion, is the mature thing to do..
Definitely not just Utah - I have noticed it in my extended family. One of my cousins is just a smidge older than me, married with two kids already, and he and his wife are treated like they have it all together - though they're broke, living on food stamps and struggling through school. My cousin who is three months younger than me has an illegitimate child and has had tons of drug problems and all that comes along with that, and is treated like she's wise because she's a mother. My aunt and uncle treat me like a baby - praising me for "being able" to bake a cake, travel by myself, etc - even though I'm financially stable and independent, have completed higher education, have had "career" jobs, etc for many years.
I think some people see relationships as a sign of maturity, and that can be true. Then again, I've seen very immature, selfish people in relationships that work only because the couple puts up with each other - they're not mature, they're just resigned to deal with it. I personally think being single shows just as much maturity - I know that I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I wouldn't be a good partner for someone, and so I'm not forcing myself or someone else to be in a relationship that wouldn't be the best.
It looks more like your parents are treating your sister as part of a couple rather than more mature.
It's the same thing that happens in reverse when a woman (or man) loses a spouse. Their friends try not to treat them differently, but they do because the now single person simply doesn't fit as well inside their social circle.
In other words, it's not personal. It's just nature taking its course, like seeking like.
I remember feeling that "rookie" attitude from people before I got married. I was also in a profession that was dominated by men, so I got a lot of flak there too. Maddening.
I think it's exacerbated in Utah, but your choice of career and husband and place of living all plays a part in it.
I LOVED it when I turned 30 - I swear I felt better, and people treated me differently.
I started teaching when I was 21. NOT easy. Especially cause the older teachers all thought I was a HS student.
I always think, too, about how much life experience and appreciation I would have brought into a marriage if I hadn't gotten married so young.
NOW. It totally worked for me cause I married my best friend, but it doesn't always work like that.
But yeah. I think it's WAAAY worse in Utah. I've lived there just enough years to remember how different the culture is - even though I'm a card-carrying member, lol
Your post reminded me of the scene in P and P when Lydia Bennett takes her place in the heirachy beside her mother as the only other "married woman" in the family, much to the angst of older sisters Jane and Elizabeth.
Does marriage still confer a status on women in this day and age?
Or maybe your parents are adjusting. They are aware that their younger daughter will soon leave the family (and possibly have one of her own), and are reacting to the changing dynamic by letting her go in subtle ways, which you see as acknowledgement of her maturity.
I definitely know that slight change in attitude. Luckily, I'm the youngest sibling, so I'll probably always be treated as immature, even when I get married. :)
So, I go to a women's college and have had to endure all sorts of teasing on this subject. It's like if you went to college but didn't get married, then you didn't really graduate. That or, God forbid, you're going to get married to another woman. Which I'm not, but, still, all the ribbing (even the good-humored ribbing) gets annoying. I know exactly what you mean.
But I also think it depends on what age group is "judging" you: older and middle-aged adults might have the attitude you described above, while adults in your own age group might be completely freaked out by the idea of a friend getting married. I think it's more a generation than a gender thing...
ps - I followed your link from Janice Hardy's website, liked your blog, and will probably comment on most of your posts today (sorry). But you do have a nice blog.
Wow, you guys are so smart. Such great discussion here. Its good to get other peoples perspective on this and get a better grasp on whats really going on.
Sarah
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